DailyRi 017: What I Mean When I Say I'm Single "AF"
I AM SINGLE AFFFFFF.
(LOL IT NEVER GETS OLD MAN.)
anyhoo, on one of my first DailyRi’s I listed “single AF” under where I’m headed. i was serious (af) but some people messaged me laughing at my candor. we can still laugh bc i know it’s funny, but i want to explain what i mean, & how being single af is different than simply being single.
i’ve been intentionally single for over 7 years. no boyfriend. no real commitment. at 16, i promised myself i wouldn’t be in a relationship until i truly felt i loved myself first. (damn! it’s taken you this long to love yourself? yea man - go read my post on self love. shit is serious.) when i turned 24, i started to think i was ready for my future husband. i had just transitioned out of a toxic situation-ship & had built myself back up out of my brokenness. i finally felt like the woman i knew i could become. & then my dad passed away (funny how life works. well, not funny, but you know).
i realize now that god was strengthening & preparing me to grieve my father, not to find my man (silly me).
when god tells me “no,” i shut up & listen. so, after baba passed, i immediately decided i was placing a moratorium on anything that looked like a relationship for at least a year. i knew i needed to grieve. i knew that even when i felt like i was okay, i needed to dig deeper & grieve more. i needed to feel the things i was terrified to feel, & i needed to do it for myself. i knew i couldn’t build a healthy foundation out of my broken pieces. & boy was my heart broken by that loss.
sounds great, right? i have always been intuitive & mature, but i could have been more intuitive. admittedly, up until last year, i still dated men knowing there would have to be a dead end, i still flirted aimlessly, still gave out my number bc i felt like it, still kept some people in my phone to text & call when i was bored or lonely, knowing these conversations would never culminate into anything serious. all of these behaviors were me cheating on myself: i stayed true to my promise to be “single,” but i found ways to get some validation here & there. (read my super relevant post on why i empathize with egos)
AT SOME POINT WHEN I WAS 25, I DECIDED I NEEDED TO BE MY OWN SOURCE OF VALIDATION. SO I DECIDED I WOULD GO FROM BEING SINGLE TO BEING SINGLE AF.
SINGLE AF (adj.): to live your life for yourself (& for god), & become your own source of validation
SINGLE AF (verb): not entertaining anyone romantically; exclusively dating yourself
i need to keep doing things for myself right now because i’m not fully repaired or ready. it means that i need to be patient & realistic. i need to lean into this “new life,” because i will never be the woman i used to be before losing my favorite man.
it means i am engaging with absolutely no men (yes i mean nobody) in my messages, dms, snapchat or whatever else us kids are doing these days. it means no pointless flirtatious behavior, no giving my number out for fun. i’ve even paused my letters to my husband for now because this phase of my life is for me, not the man i will eventually love (i’m sure he’ll understand).
being single AF means that, when i am ready, i don’t date anyone unless they have the qualities i need in a husband. it means that the second i realize he’s not it, we stop dating. because i am happy & i’m enough, & only want to be with someone who makes me feel more happy & more enough.
i take pride in being single af because i don’t think enough of us talk about this version of singleness. i think a lot of us talk about the “single & ready to mingle” lifestyle - & there is no shame in being single & ready to date/meet people. there is just something to be said about the woman who is intentionally single because she wants to devote all the time & energy & love to herself & the life she is building. & there is nothing wrong with that either.
🙋🏻HENCE, ME. A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY-SINGLE-AF GIRL.