DailyRi 032: What Meditation Is Teaching Me About Judgment
I’VE BEEN MEDITATING FOR ABOUT A WEEK NOW.
it’s honestly really hard man!
ironically though, most of the reasons i hadn’t meditated before were the exact kinds of things meditation is supposed to help alleviate: scatterbrained-ness, anxiety, self judgment, self deprecating thoughts, etc. in this week of meditating alone, i realized how judgmental my thoughts still are. during the first few exercises, i found myself getting upset whenever my thoughts would wander. even though the headspace narrator would continuously remind me not to be upset or frustrated if my thoughts wandered off, i still found myself making conscious efforts to release myself from this self judgment.
it’s really really really hard for me to stay present. i realized that this week more than ever. but what’s even more difficult for me is to not judge myself for my lack of presence. meditation has been teaching me how to observe things as they are without feeling the need to attach a judgment to them.
i want to take this practice & apply it to other things in my life. i have made leaps & bounds in this whole “stop judging” department, but as of right now, it’s a reactive thing & not a proactive one. the analogy i love to use when talking about this is “whack a mole.” you know that game where the moles pop up & you whack them back down? that has been my journey towards releasing myself from judgments or self doubt or self deprecation. I WANT TO GET TO A POINT WHERE THE SELF JUDGING, DOUBTFUL, OR deprecating MOLES DON’T POP UP AT ALL THOUGH.
I THINK MEDITATION WILL BE WHAT HELPS ME GET THERE.
right now, i see it manifesting itself in my relationship to myself. at the gym this morning, i was looking at my body & feeling fully comfortable with what i was seeing. i put on a few pounds since starting school, & it honestly hasn’t bothered me. that’s huge. a year ago, i would be livid with myself, telling myself all sorts of horrible things about how i could let that happen. now, i’m just so gentle with myself, & even grateful for my health & shape.
i smile at random people more often than not. the other day, a lady cussed me out in traffic & i just stared at her. normally, i would probably ignore her, but it was what would happen on the inside of me that was concerning. i mentioned in my last post that i’m great at regulating my emotions, but sometimes the level of emotion brewed up inside of me is enough to stress me out, regardless whether i act on them. typically, if i had a road-rage encounter with someone, i would be disciplined enough not to react, but my face would still get hot & i would feel a fire burning inside my chest. maybe that’s what they mean by a fight/flight response. anyway, this time, no reaction - externally or internally.
I’LL KEEP YOU POSTED ON HOW IT GOES.