#TBT: Letters to My Husband
IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING TWO THINGS:
1- How is this a #throwbackthursday post when she's never been married?
2- How has she written letters to someone she hasn't even met?
Well, my friends, I'm here to finally share my secret with you.
THE TRUTH IS THAT I HAVE KNOWN MY HUSBAND SINCE SEPTEMBER 2nd, 2013.
i'm a firm believer in the adage "what's for me will always be for me."
by that logic, my husband is already mine, and I am already his. it's just not our time, and i'm in no rush for that day to come.
I met my husband when i started writing to him on september 2nd, 2013. i never stopped writing. In fact, I have a notes section (practically a novel) in my phone, just for him. Nobody has ever read these letters, not even him. nobody ever will read all of these letters, except for him. But he will only get them when i'm ready - when we're ready.
i am so excited for the day when he catches up on my journey leading up to our union.
BUT UNTIL THEN, I WILL PATIENTLY WRITE.
I wrote to my husband when I wanted to celebrate great news, I wrote to my husband after my father passed, I wrote to my husband when I needed to vent about work, I even wrote to my husband when I was trying to get over an unhealthy relationship (I doubt he'll enjoy reading that one so much 🙃).
he is my best friend, and i already love him.
My letters are the beats of my heart in written form, and i've decided to share a few excerpts with you (I'm sure he won't mind 😌).
i promise that when you read them, they'll answer your questions.
NO HARD FEELINGS
9.2.13 - 2:33 AM
I've been wanting to write to you for a while because we have so much catching up to do. See, by the time we meet, I'm assuming 23-28 years of my life will be history for me and a voyage of discovery for you. So i figured my 20 year old self (almost 21-yay!) could help you discover what's about to be the most transformative few years of my life - both personally and professionally.
Before we get into that exciting stuff though, I have to give you some background on where I've been. If you're reading this, you're already very familiar with Dearborn, how much my culture and family mean to me, how passionate I am about our language and people - all that good stuff.
You should know how I've been getting to know myself over the past several years. You should also know that coming into college, I promised myself that I would not get into a serious relationship until (maybe) my junior or senior year because I truly needed time to grow into the young, driven woman whom I knew I could be. You should know that, at 20, I'm almost there, and that when I get there, "there" will no longer be enough. But I'm sure you already know about my obsession with constant progress.
I want you to know that I typically know what I want. I'm a visionary and that's why I'm writing to you. I know who you are, and I know you're out there. I'm also a realist. I know that I can't expedite my growth process because in a way, the process is where the value lies. For those reasons, it only makes sense that we don't meet now - that if you, reading this now, met the 20 year old me, you wouldn't be interested. No hard feelings.
I'd Be Lucky...
9.15.13 - 3:42 AM
I'm not really sure what I wanna write or why I'm writing, but I kinda just felt like talking to you. It's gonna be a while till I can actually do that, so this will have to do.
A bit ago, Mallak was talking to me about how I mentioned that I'm finally ready for a relationship and how she's really happy for me because "it's a beautiful thing." Haha real cute right? But it is beautiful I guess, just letting things happen naturally like that. I really don't know what this year is going to be for me, but I'm all about the "go with the flow" lifestyle, especially as a senior who's learned so much over the past few years.
I've decided I'm accepting Teach For America's offer, it was something that wasn't so easy for me to decide. I felt pressure coming from a lot of places, mostly from myself. Crazy how you truly are your toughest critic and biggest hindrance at times. Anyway, it really is my calling - but if you're reading this, you know that.
I want to do big things. I want to change lives, and sometimes I think I'm crazy for having this undying belief in myself. But then again, what makes me different from all of the people who've climbed to the top and are currently big players in whatever movement they're part of? Maybe they're crazy too, but in that case, crazy is what I ought to be.
These next five years could be so many different things for me. But that doesn't stress me out at all because I know i'll do what I need to do; I know i'll take steps that will position me to do the next big thing. It's kind of freaky to think about how simple my life is and to come to terms with the fact that it'll probably never be this simple again. This movement that I've committed my heart to, it's just so much bigger than me alone, I need to give myself to it entirely. Am I that selfless? Is there a cost to that? Would you have to come second? I wonder if i'll feel this way after Teach for America...maybe i'll realize that leading a simple life and raising a happy family is more important to me. Idk, doubt it.
I can't wait to find out what your ambitions are. I feel like you're a simple man at heart but a fierce go getter. I think you're a deep thinker who's easily entertained: low maintenance. I think you're the guy who just always knows what to do and how to get it done. Pretty sure I'm describing my dad right now..but like mama always said: "you'd be lucky..."
Anyway, i really have to sleep because I have to wake up at 7:15 to drive back to aa with mallayah. Another spontaneous night trip to msu to visit Lexi haha. These never get old. But I'm sure I've told you all about them.
I wonder what you're doing right now? I think you're sleeping like normal people (in the states) are.
On that note,
I'VE seen stranger Things
7.17.17 - 12:52 am
i just know you're somewhere out there
waiting to show me how strangely familiar
a stranger could be
like estranged kin, reunited
i just know someday he'll come back to me
in another form
skipping the formalities and forming a bond that defies death
i just know it
that we will meet again
we will meet again
at a "me" who is more pure, loving, trusting, and devout
the "me" baba (and you) always knew i would be.
-i've seen stranger things.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM A HOPEFUL ROMANTIC. MY HEART IS MANY THINGS, BUT HOPELESS IS NOT ONE OF THEM.
i love love.
i listen to love songs like i'm already in love; i cry every time i go to a wedding or watch a proposal because i am so genuinely happy when other people find love; i fight back tears (and usually lose) during romance films - the happier the ending, the happier the tears. i'm just a huge fan of love, and i always have been.
before you start wondering if this post is an ad for my husband to come find me, here's where the plot twists significantly:
for now, i want him to stay away
in actuality, these letters are symbolic of a tension i've been dealing with for years: being a futuristic person who has always been able to envision the type of man she will marry and being a young, driven woman who knows she's not ready for that kind of love yet.
i know, i know. god has a plan, and all things will happen accordingly, whether i'm ready or not. but in my heart, i just know that it's not my time. If i had a say, i would tell him to stay away...just for now. why?
i need this year to be for me.
earlier this year, I started to feel like i was getting closer to being "the me i always knew i could be" to restructuring my #roadtorima to accommodate someone else, to being ready for that kind of love. but when my father passed away, it became so important for this year to be mine and only mine. So, i had to change plans, I had to ri-route.
HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE TRUE FOR ME:
i don't want a love that I need, i want a love that i want.
i don't want to find my other half, I want to join forces with my other whole.
i don't want a shoulder to cry on, i want a heart to cry with.
AND MOST RELEVANT RIGHT NOW,
i don't want to be on an endless and empty pursuit for "a someone" to fill baba's absence,
when it's time, i want "the one" to find me and remind me of baba's presence.
i know what i want. i always have. all of these things, i've written in a journal long ago. i just don't want them right now. this year needs to be for me. maybe next year does too. maybe the year after that. and that's okay.
until i am ready (or until god tells me to get ready),
i will continue to write letters to my husband.