What It Means About Us When Nice Guys Finish Last

WE'VE ALL HEARD (OR USED) THE PHRASE "NICE GUYS FINISH LAST."

SO MANY OF US - whether we are attracted to men or not - perpetuate this message either by using it directly, or reinforcing the truth behind it through the things we say and do. 

(example: saying things like "I like assholes;" or friend-zoning the gentleman and going for the jerk.)

 
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But why?

Don't get me wrong. I understand that we have our "types." If he's not your type, don't get with him just because he's a gentleman. It's okay to be picky, to want more than some chemistry and a few checked boxes. we should be picky....about the right things. And that's exactly my point. the behaviors and character traits that we are attracted to in a romantic partner oftentimes tell us a lot about ourselves.

THEY'RE WORTH EXAMINING, AND THEN RE-EXAMINING.

just the other day, I ran into a friend from college. we were catching up and he was asking if I was with anyone. when I said no, he was like: "yeah, I know you're really picky. lemme guess, you like the bad-boys, the ones who are a little rough around the edges."

my response?

"i am picky. but I actually love the nice guys. in fact, i would only ever be with a nice guy."

he looked really shocked. and then he said: "wow, so nice guys don't really finish last huh?"

honestly, even I was surprised by my response, because not too long ago, you'd catch me saying things like "I need him to be a little rough around the edges."

don't believe me? let's take a look at one of my journal entries from 2015:


 

1.2.15 | 12:44pm

I'm scared to get hurt. doesn't that sound so cliché? aren't we all afraid to get hurt? isn't it some sort of instinct for us to avoid situations that could hurt us? but that's what I don't get about myself - I'm attracted to those exact people: the ones with the potential to hurt me because they, themselves, are hurting. no clue why.

they're like those squishy balls with spikes on the outside. they look so scary and intimidating externally that most people do not even want to come near them for fear of pain, or blood, or even worse, scars. it seems like I'm different though. the spikes attract me. the pain, even when I feel it, doesn't encourage me to change course. not even the blood deters me - not until I've bled too much to be able to sustain the both of us. that's the good thing about me, I guess: I always leave before I destroy myself. 

I still don't know how I feel about all of this though.

 

CAN WE SAY RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE?

I mean seriously, I definitely was so deep in THIS TOXICITY that I didn't even realize how highkey abusive I was being to myself.

but why?

what about a "rough around the edges" kind of guy was attractive to me? what was so broken inside of me that I was attracted to someone who was anything less than a sweetheart? what is so broken inside of us that we get turned off by the nice guys? the ones who are ready for love? the ones who treat us like queens? the ones who show us their beautiful hearts? the ones who are gentle? the ones who give love generously and effortlessly? 

could we want them to be broken because we are BROKEN too?

could we be turning away the "nice guys" because, somewhere deep inside, we don't think we deserve them?

I don't know about you my love, but that's clearly where I was at. at the time, the nice guys' heart held a mirror to my broken one, and I wasn't quite ready to look into it. on my worst days, I was scared my brokenness would shatter his altogether. so I'd say I liked them rough around the edges, because, well, I was rough around the edges too. and, as you could probably guess, our rough edges only worked to further our brokenness. 

after all, brokenness has its way of convincing us that we deserve to stay broken

BUT IT'S NOT TRUE. WE ALL DESERVE TO BE WHOLE. AND THEN FIND OUR OTHER WHOLE. 

 
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it took me a while, but I was able to figure this out for myself after choosing to stay single, choosing to spend considerable time alone, and choosing to heal those broken parts of me. so here I am, finally whole, finally ready for the "nice guy" that I know I deserve. and you deserve it too.  

you deserve someone who is proud of you, and is proud to be with you.

you deserve someone who is excited to see you.

you deserve someone who makes plans, ahead of time.

you deserve someone who lets you know how he feels.

you deserve someone who supports and respects your boundaries.

you deserve someone who sees you and only you, because you are so much more than enough.

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you deserve someone who is gentle with your heart, who knows you've given him a prized possession.

you deserve someone who lets you know he appreciates all that you do for him.

you deserve someone who chooses you over his pride, his fear, his ego.

you deserve someone who will introduce you to his family and friends.

you deserve someone who showers you with terms of endearment and words of affirmation.

you deserve someone who texts you in the morning and before you sleep.

you deserve someone who opens up to you.

you deserve someone who is loyal.

you deserve someone who asks about your day, and genuinely cares to hear all the details.

you deserve someone who is your biggest fan, supporter and accountability buddy.

you deserve someone who makes you smile differently.

you deserve someone whose peaceful nature chases away your wildest fears and anxieties. 

you deserve someone who would never prey on your vulnerability; who reaffirms your self worth on the days when you're in need of a reminder.

you deserve someone whom you can respect, even on the worst days.

you deserve someone who disarms you.

you deserve the nice guy my love, stop telling yourself any different.

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BECAUSE THE REALITY IS THAT, ONCE YOU PUT HIM ON YOUR TEAM, NICE GUYS DON'T ACTUALLY FINISH LAST. THEY LAST. PERIOD.

only love,

ri